


The Mistakes of a Night

by LateStarter58



Series: Dr Lawson's Casebook: the Tom & Ellie stories [1]
Category: British Actor RPF, Tom Hiddleston - Fandom
Genre: F/M, Heartbreak, Loneliness, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-15
Updated: 2018-12-15
Packaged: 2019-09-19 11:34:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17000853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LateStarter58/pseuds/LateStarter58
Summary: Dr Eleanor Lawson has a successful career as an academic, teaching microbiology and conducting groundbreaking research. But her private life is a mess, thanks to one horrible night in her first year at Cambridge, when she saw something that broke her heart, something she could never get past. And now, fate is making her come face to face with the man who she has spent that last fourteen years trying and failing to forget.





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> This was only my second fan fiction, and the very first one I actually posted anywhere. It came out of an idea from my daughter, at the time a junior doctor herself. I hope you enjoy it.

_She was on the hillside again, as she had been so many times before. She looked up and there in the distance, silhouetted against the horizon stood a familiar figure. As usual, he was facing away from her. She tried to move toward him, but it was like wading through treacle. Whatever she did, however hard she tried, he never got any closer. For a while she would make what seemed like progress but then some new obstacle would arise, a rickety bridge to cross or a gaping, bottomless chasm. But there was something different this time. This time the wind was blasting and the rain pounding down, so when she called his name it was just blown back in her face. If only she could get him to look round, and see her down here, still trying to reach him._

Ellie sat up, her heart pounding, his name on the tip of her tongue. Had she said it aloud and woken herself? She felt as if she had been screaming it, but that was just the dream, wasn’t it? She was drenched in sweat as she always was afterwards. The sheet was gathered in folds where she had been writhing, and her pillows were scattered. She felt exhausted.

Standing under the shower, she sensed the water rinsing the last of the nightmare’s imagery from her mind. But she knew too well that it would be back. She had been having the same dream for fourteen years, ever since Cambridge and that stupid play. It wasn’t always identical, but they were always on that hill and the feelings, they neverchanged. The wrenching, agonising misery, the yearning, the emptiness: they had remained. She woke every time with tears in her eyes and an ache which would sometimes last for days. Whatever else happened in her life, it seemed she would never be free of it, and it had been a more frequent visitor lately. The last three years had been a trial, and now there was this film.

Why on earth had she agreed to get involved?

After twenty minutes pushing her cereal around the bowl, Ellie had to accept she wasn’t going to manage more than a coffee this morning. The dream always robbed her of her appetite, sometimes for days. It seemed to reach into her gut and twist so tightly nothing could pass.  She glanced across the living room to her desk. It was piled high with unmarked papers. She would have to get those done later, or there’d be a riot. Something moved on the edge of her vision, and not for the first time she felt the stab of pain as remembered her cat Mitch was no longer there. He had died three months before but the wound was still very raw. It was hardest when she came home, opening the door to an empty flat. Ellie had only had him a few years and she had known when she adopted him with his health problems that he wouldn’t live long, but none of that made it any easier. This morning tears seemed closer than ever; the dream had left her emotions just below the surface.

Today was going to be fun.

An hour later she was down the road at her desk at UCL, working her way through her emails, trying to tie up as many loose ends as possible. After tomorrow she would be on a leave of absence for at least two months while this film got underway. The University had agreed to it on the basis that she was giving half her fee to the research budget, so it wasn’t that selfless of them.  She glanced at the clock, it was 10.30. That gave her half an hour for a coffee before her morning lecture. Making sure her notes and laptop were ready, she set off for her friend Tilly’s office.

Dr Jane Tillett was one of Ellie’s oldest friends. They had been at Sidney Sussex together, hitting it off during the first weeks of the first term of Medical School and had stayed close ever since. The day Tilly got the job at UCL was one of the happiest for them both. They weren’t working together much, but they could meet up every day if they wanted to for a laugh and a chat. Ellie and Tilly, still the Dynamic Duo.

‘Knock, knock!’ Ellie stood in the doorway smiling. ‘Come on in, coffee’s on.’ Tilly looked at her friend. ‘You ready for Wednesday?’

Ellie sighed. ‘Not really. I’ve got so much to sort out!’

Tilly stood up and walked round her desk, putting an arm around the other woman and guiding her to the chairs across the small room. ‘That’s not what I mean and you know it, Ell.’ They sat down and Tilly took her friends hands in hers. ‘Have you been sleeping ok? You look tired.’ There were dark shadows under Ellie’s eyes and they were bloodshot.

‘Not all that well. I’ve been having a few bad dreams.’

‘Oh Ell. Are you sure about this? Is it too late to back out?’

Ellie shook her head. ‘No, not possible. It’ll be OK. I’ll live. And it will be fun, I’m sure.’

Tilly fetched them both coffee; she was concerned about her friend. She knew how difficult it was going to be for her to face what was coming. Ellie had tried for so long to forget, to put what had happened behind her, and by a horrible stroke of bad luck, what might have been an exciting interlude had been transformed into an emotional ordeal. They drank in silence. They both had lectures to give so parted with a promise to have lunch the next day.

The rest of Ellie’s day was a whirl of students, emails and paperwork. She was so tired when she got home that she just made some toast and ate it in front of the TV. She did allow herself a glass of wine, hoping it might help her relax. Hearing a buzz, she glanced at her phone.

  * **_You OK?_**



It was from Tilly.

  * **_Just watching telly._**



That was a lie. She hadn’t taken in a thing since she switched it on. Putting down her plate, Ellie took her glass over to her desk and opened the paper on the top of the pile. She had to get these marked tonight. But it was hard to stop her mind from racing ahead to Wednesday morning. She was certain that once that initial meeting was over, things would settle down and she could get on with advising on the film. It might even be a good thing in the long run, all this. Cathartic, perhaps. She had built him up so much, and this meeting, that reality might help to dissipate her obsession.

_Now, back to work!_

Three hours later, she had marked all but a handful of the papers and feeling her eyelids drooping, she threw in the towel and went to bed.

Whether it was the wine or the exhaustion, the dream didn’t return that night, thank goodness. That day was as busy as the one before, and Ellie realised that she was going to have to spend her evenings for at least the next week finishing off work and reading through her PhD students’ submissions. Whatever, at least she was free to leave the building by 7pm.

Lunch had been rather tense. Tilly was fiercely protective of her friend and wanted to save her from any more pain. But she knew she couldn’t, especially not now. She had never forgotten the nights she held Ellie while she sobbed, the times she helped her home after she tried to drown her sorrows, and the horrible time she had found her after things went pear-shaped with that Duncan. She was afraid that those dark days were about to return. What she didn’t know, because Ellie had become adept at hiding it, was that things hadn’t ever got better at all. In fact, from Ellie’s point of view, they had got worse over the past three or four years. She had no wish to keep burdening her friend, especially now that Tilly was married, so never raised the subject. They parted after lunch with a promise to talk the next evening.


	2. Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The day dawns, and Ellie must face her fears.

_The wind and rain were even fiercer than before. She was closer than last time, close enough that she could see his profile so clearly it made her heart ache. But whatever she did, however hard she tried to move her legs, however loudly she shouted, she couldn’t get nearer or get him to turn around. The weariness was overwhelming, and that awful misery was back again, weighing her down, dragging her into the pit of despair. But the one thing she could never do in the dream was give up. She always kept trying to climb, to call to him, however hopeless it felt. She had no choice._

Ellie woke in a cold sweat. She lay looking at the ceiling for a few minutes, trying to calm down. One way or another, things were going to be different after today; that was certain. Precisely how, or for the better or worse, only time would tell. For the moment, she had practical matters to attend to: a shower, breakfast and get ready to go. She went into what she thought of as her ‘professional mode’, the one she used when she was scared shitless but didn’t want anyone to know. Later, on the Tube on her way to the address near Archway she’d been given, she looked through the screenplay for the zillionth time. She had no idea why it was so important for her to go to this ‘read-through’.  Her only role today seemed to be to make sure the actors pronounced the scientific words correctly or at least those playing the scientists anyway. From the weekend she would be advising on laboratory technique. She didn’t mind; they were paying her what seemed like a ridiculous amount of money to do it, after all. UCL’s indulgence was understandable; it was all good publicity for the University and the Medical School as well, which was fine with Ellie. Of course, when she agreed to get involved in this project she had no idea that he was going to be part of it.

It had all started because she had been persuaded by her friend and colleague the Dean of Medicine to do a TED Talk. Her research into bacterial mutation was going well, with several published papers, and he thought the subject ideal. She had agreed reluctantly. Public speaking was still something of a trial for her even after a few years as a lecturer, but once she got started she was so excited by the subject that her enthusiasm was infectious. The talk had been a success, and one of those who watched it was the writer of this film. According to the email he sent her over a year later, he had been trying to come up with a story which could incorporate elements of her research, and this film was the fruit of his labours. It had all seemed like such a good idea at the time, so harmless. A silly detective story with a medical background, that’s all it was.  She was to be the scientific/medical advisor, not that Ellie had ever really practiced medicine after her foundation year. She had always wanted to go into research, and microbiology was her great passion.  What Ellie couldn’t possibly have known was that agreeing to do this would make her face what she had been avoiding since her fresher year at Cambridge. But here she was, bouncing along on the Northern Line, heading straight for that confrontation.

Leaving the station, Ellie easily navigated her way to the scruffy, rather nondescript sixties building where she was expected. Taking a deep breath, she pushed open the door: it was just as characterless on the inside. A receptionist checked her credentials then guided her to the right room and swallowing hard, she stepped in. Rob, the writer, spotted her immediately and came straight over to greet her warmly. ‘Dr Lawson, lovely to see you again!’ She kept her eyes fixed on his kind face and tried not to look at anyone else. It wasn’t a long-term strategy, but it might get her through the next few minutes at least. Rob pointed out the refreshments to her and then came the words she had been dreading. ‘Let me introduce you to the others,’ he said.

Glancing around furtively at the people in the room, she felt herself relax. He wasn’t there. Ellie was a little puzzled, as his name was on the list, but, no, she checked again, he was definitely absent. What was that about? Had she built herself up for today for nothing? Rob introduced her to the first group as Dr Eleanor Lawson, but she persuaded him to use Ellie after that. There was a variety of people there, script editors, assistant directors, people with mysterious job-titles Ellie didn’t understand. She had met the director Paul once before, as well as some of the others, but this was her first chance to meet any of the cast. She liked them immediately, especially Derek Jacobi who was going to be portraying the murderer, a microbiologist like her. They joked about that. ‘I assure you I’ve never had any plans of that sort, at least, not so far,’ she joked. She spent several enjoyable minutes with him and the two actors playing his former colleagues, talking about the words they needed to say. Then there was a small commotion outside and the door swung open.

‘Sorry everyone! Got a bit held up, traffic, you know.’

There he was. For the first time in fourteen years Ellie was in the same room with him, unless you counted the five or six times in Cambridge she had spotted him across a bar or restaurant and left in a hurry. And oh dear god, he was more beautiful than she remembered. Changed: older of course, darker hair. His face was more chiselled, and his frame sturdier. But Ellie was horrified to discover that she was feeling exactly the same as she had that first evening in the rehearsal room on Hills Road. She had stepped off a cliff that night, and here she was, plummeting downwards once more.

Trying to feel the floor under feet, Ellie realised that Rob had her by the elbow and was guiding her towards him. Her legs were jelly so she was unable to resist. ‘I’m sure I don’t need to introduce this gentleman,’ Rob said, smiling broadly. ‘No, you don’t,’ she mumbled, wishing the ground would swallow her up.

‘Ellie? So it IS you!’

He remembered her. Her last, faint hope had been that he wouldn’t. After all, it was so long ago and it had been such a brief moment, in his life at least. She had clung to that but no, he remembered. She felt her cheeks reddening.

‘Wow, so you are a researcher, just like you wanted to be!’

‘And you are an actor, like you wanted. You’ve done well for yourself.’

He grinned broadly. ‘Looks like things worked out well for us both.’ He laughed. Ellie felt tears behind her eyes. He took her by the arms and kissed her on both cheeks. The room seemed to swim a little. She felt the same as she had when he had touched her years before. ‘I heard someone on the radio the other week and I thought it sounded like you.’ She had been on Woman’s Hour, talking about her work; it was another unexpected side-effect of the TED talk.  Before she could think of a response, the director was calling everyone to sit down and get started. Tables were arranged in a large rectangle in the middle of the room with card nameplates at each place. Ellie found her seat and was relieved to see that it was some distance from Tom’s. Once everyone was seated Paul began to speak.

‘Thanks to you all for coming today. Let’s start by going round and introducing ourselves, shall we? I’ll start. Paul Hudson, director.’

He turned to his left and Julie, one of the assistant directors was next. So it continued until it reached the actors, who were all sitting together.

‘Tom Hiddleston, playing Detective Inspector Richards.’

Ellie’s head felt light as she found herself falling through the air again. Just the sound of his voice.

‘Derek Jacobi, Professor Jones.’

‘Daniella Nardini, Sergeant Rennie.’

Ellie felt ridiculously nervous as her turn got nearer. Time for ‘Professional Mode’ again. ‘Doctor Ellie Lawson, medical advisor,’ she announced, slightly louder than she intended.  Out of the corner of her eye she saw Tom lean forward and look at her, smiling that smile of his. The remaining people took their turns and then Paul cleared his throat and said ‘Well, here we are folks, on Day One of this movie. Good luck to us all. Shall we get started?’

The table read was more enjoyable than Ellie had expected. She had read the screenplay through at least twice, and the scenes she would be needed to advise on many more times, but it was a completely different experience hearing the actors saying the lines. They weren’t really acting very much, she could tell, but even so, it made it so much more alive. Rob was reading out the stage directions which sounded awkward at first, but Ellie soon stopped noticing. She sat forward when they reached what she had begun to think of as ‘her’ scenes. Derek looked to her for guidance when pronouncing several of the more complicated technical terms and long scientific names, as did Denis Lawson and Emma Fielding, who played the other microbiologists. It was fairly crucial that they sounded like they knew what they were taking about, as Paul put it. So far, Tom hadn’t spoken but Ellie knew that the police were just about to get involved.

‘I think now is a good time to break for coffee, folks.’ Paul stood up stretching and everyone else followed suit. Ellie remained sitting as she had a few notes she wanted to make for the next scene. The scientists would be trying to explain the rarity of the fatal infections to the detectives and she thought there might be a small problem with the script. She wanted a word with Rob about it, but when she looked up he was deep in conversation with Marion, the script editor.

Ellie felt a presence behind her. ‘Are you having coffee?’ That voice. So deep, so velvety.

‘Oh yes, just making some notes on something before I forget.’ Before she could stand up he had put a cup on the table in front of her.

‘Have mine, I’ll get another.’ She started to protest but he was gone, crossing the room in a few strides of his long legs. Ellis stood up and picked up the cup and saucer. Tom returned with another and a plate of biscuits. There was already one in his mouth. ‘Want one?’ he asked, his diction somewhat compromised by the large obstruction. ‘

No thanks.’ As if she could eat under these circumstances! He had no inkling how she felt, that was obvious, and it seemed like a great relief. Perhaps he had never known or guessed how her life had been since that horrible night. She had often smiled when she saw him described online as a ‘life-ruiner’. They had no idea.

Tom put the plate down and ate his cookie with relish. Ellie remembered his sweet tooth; how did he keep so trim? It wasn’t fair. She had to watch what she ate and drank all the time, but then, she wasn’t a natural athlete like him. ‘So, tell me, what have you been up to for the past, how many is it, years?’

_Oh, dreaming about you, sabotaging relationships, throwing myself into my career in a vain attempt to forget you, that’s all._

‘Oh, nothing very exciting. Climbing the greasy career pole, you know.’

‘Still in touch with any of the old Uni crowd?’

‘A few. I work with Tilly.’

‘Ah yes, I remember her. She didn’t like me much. Ehehehe.’  His laugh made Ellie’s stomach do a flip.

‘I don’t think that’s fair. She just wasn’t that keen on drama.’

‘So she’s a doc too?’

‘Well, not really, not anymore. We are both lecturers at UCL Med School. She teaches anatomy. Neither of us has practiced since we first qualified.’

‘So you don’t put your hand up on a plane when they ask for a doctor?’

‘Not unless they ask more than once. My clinical skills are both rusty and very limited. But I do remember the first aid. We do refreshers every now and then, you know, at UCL…’ She smiled up at him, the first time she felt strong enough to do so. It was a mistake. His eyes were still that impossible shade of blue. Ellie felt a lump in her throat and with it an overwhelming urge to run out of the room, to get away from this pain. It was even harder being near him than she had expected and she thought she might cry at any minute.

Salvation came in the form of the director calling everyone back to their seats to continue with the read-through. Ellie composed herself and survived the next couple of hours until the lunch break. A caterers’ van had arrived outside and everyone queued up companionably for hot meals. The food was good and she enjoyed sitting with a mixture of actors and production staff, chatting animatedly about the film and previous productions they had worked on together. She had been able to avoid Tom by nipping ahead of him and tagging onto this group, who seemed happy to have her. She didn’t think her nerves could take having to make small talk with him again. As it was, she found it difficult to avoid looking at him. He was across the room in her eye line and she couldn’t resist glancing from time to time, no matter how much it hurt. On one occasion, she was alarmed to see he was looking back at her, smiling and waving happily.

The afternoon passed much as the morning had, with Ellie occasionally offering advice when called upon. Then, at a little after six, the final scene was finished and everyone clapped. ‘Well done all,’ said Paul. ‘A few minor changes needed, but we’ll see you guys for the first call tomorrow.’ Ellie gathered her things, and after shaking hands with the new friends she had made, headed for the door. She could see Tom was talking to a group of actors on the other side of the room and she took the chance to slip out. It was cold outside, but dry. Ellie did her coat up, tied her scarf around her neck against the autumnal air and headed towards the Tube through the brightly-lit streets.


	3. Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A painful trip down memory lane

She was almost home when her phone vibrated against her hip. It was Tilly of course.

‘Well? How did it go?’

‘As well as can be expected.’

‘That bad, huh?’

Ellie reached her building and got in the lift. Her phone cut out, so once she reached her floor she rang her friend back. She didn’t really want to dwell on the day, but she knew Tilly would keep asking.

‘He was friendly and gorgeous of course. I don’t think he remembers what happened, although he remembered me – oh, and you, by the way. At least if he does remember, he doesn’t think it was important.’

‘Oh El, I’m sorry. It must have been awful.’

‘A whole new circle of hell, but I was expecting that. I’ll live.’

‘Do you want me to come over? John won’t mind.’

‘No, I’m ok. I’m going to have a long, hot bath and an early night.’

Ellie hung up and flopped down on the sofa. She didn’t really want a bath, or dinner or anything. Her head was spinning with emotions, now that she had spoken to Tilly. Seeing Tom again had made her feel everything she had felt the first time she had met him, but with an overlay of fourteen years of misery. What she wanted most right now was to curl up in a ball and wallow. This was exactly what she had feared would happen today, but now that it had, she almost felt relieved. It proved to her that her feelings were real, not the sign of mental illness she had occasionally feared over the years.  She got up and walked to the fridge, shedding her coat and boots on the way. Reaching in, she pulled out the bottle of wine from last night and grabbing a glass she headed back to the sofa. Ellie knew that drinking on an empty stomach wasn’t a good idea, but this was a special occasion. Pouring a glass, she settled herself comfortably and for the first time in ages, she allowed her mind to go back to Cambridge in February 2000.

_Join lots of societies they said. It’ll help you make friends, they said. The only friends she had made in over a term were fellow medics. The snotty public schoolboys and the ghastly yah-yah girls in most of the societies only succeeded in making her feel lonelier than ever. The Cambridge Amateur Dramatic Club was the only exception among the ones she had chosen. More or less everyone in it was there for the love of theatre and nothing else. Not wanting to be on stage per se, Ellie had volunteered to be an assistant stage manager, which basically meant ‘general dogsbody’. They were beginning a production of ‘A Streetcar Named Desire’, and one chilly winter evening she found herself in a draughty hall waiting for her fellow club members to gather for the first rehearsal. She hadn’t met everyone, but she knew they were a mixed bunch, some from state schools and colleges like she was, as well as the usual  ex-public school Oxbridge types. She was one of the first to get there, so she was helping to move the furniture around while various later arrivals drifted in in pairs and small groups._

_One particularly raucous crowd came last. They were all laughing uproariously at some story being told by a skinny young man with blonde curly hair. Everyone in the room turned to watch them come in, and when she saw the raconteur’s face, Ellie was lost. He was tall, charming and completely beautiful. She had arrived at that hall one person, she left as another, because by the time the evening was out, she was utterly and hopelessly in love with Thomas William Hiddleston of Pembroke College. He was friendly and chatted to everyone, including Ellie. He favoured her with several of his stunning smiles, and wrapped her in his long arms for a hug more than once during the rehearsal. Even in those days, Ellie wasn’t so naïve to believe that she was being singled out for special treatment. He was that way with everyone, male or female. And she was nowhere near the prettiest girl there. But he did make sure he was sitting next to her at the pub afterwards, and he asked her lots of questions about herself. She had to make sure she didn’t look at him too often because when she did, her face began to blush and her palms got sweaty. At the end of the night, a big group of them walked back towards the Colleges and Tom kissed Ellie gently on the cheek when they reached Sidney Sussex and she left them._

_As the weeks went by, he seemed to take more and more interest in her. He was acting in the play, of course, so they saw a lot of each other in rehearsals. Then one evening, just a few days before opening night, they found themselves alone backstage at the theatre. Ellie was clearing up and Tom had come back to pick up his coat. She didn’t know he was there at first, but suddenly became aware of being watched. She turned around, feeling a little alarmed and was relieved, then nervous, when she saw who it was. ‘Still here Ellie?’ he asked. ‘Almost done, just putting everything away so no one pinches it.’ He walked over and stroked her arm. Her stomach did several backflips and she heard herself gasp. His hand moved to her cheek and she had no choice but to look into those arresting blue eyes. ‘You work so hard, you medics, how do you find time to do this as well?’ He was looking at her in a different way than before. ‘I manage. It’s good fun, and a nice break from work.’_

_Suddenly, he was kissing her, and after she recovered from the shock, she kissed him back. It was warm and wet and sexy and everything kisses are supposed to be and she didn’t resist when he ran his tongue along her lip and then into her mouth. She didn’t argue when he put his arm around her waist and pulled her closer. She could feel his arousal, and part of her would have let him have her right there, against the wall, she wanted him so much. But when his hand went up her jumper she pulled away and said ‘No.’ Ellie didn’t want it to be like this. She had no idea how he felt about her, but she loved him with all her heart, and the last thing she wanted was to be a quickie in the wings. He had laughed and kissed her again, said ‘OK, fair enough.’ and walked her home. He had kissed her again outside her rooms and he had been as nice to her as usual at the dress rehearsal two days later. He winked at her a few times, whispered in her ear and she thought everything was going really well until she went into that room after the first performance._

_As ASM, it was part of her job to collect all the props and costumes together so they would be ready for the next night. Assuming that everyone had gone as all was quiet, she had walked into the dressing room to find Fiona, who played Stella, straddling Tom in a chair. They were kissing and it was obvious they were having sex. Ellie turned around, grabbed her things and ran back to her rooms. She never returned to the theatre or the club. She did everything she could to avoid seeing Tom for the rest of his time at the University, and was for the most part successful. But however heartbroken she was, she couldn’t stop loving him. She cried herself to sleep every night for weeks; she turned down every offer of a date for a year. She started to date towards the end of her second year, but rarely saw any guy more than twice. She threw herself into her studies and determined to get the best results she could. She was very successful academically and utterly miserable. The dreams began within weeks of the ‘incident’, as she thought of it, and were always worse when she was stressed, so exams were a bigger ordeal than ever._

_Of course, she heard how Tom had got TV work, an agent, a double first and a place at RADA. He was a marvellous actor and she knew he’d do well, but she couldn’t bear to think of him, because all she saw when she did was that girl in his lap. But her subconscious didn’t listen, and the dreams got worse and worse. Then, in her final year of Medical School she met Duncan, a junior doctor. He was handsome and funny and kind, and when he asked her out she said yes. They were together for nearly two years. The sex was good, he loved her and she did her best to love him back. But then one day Duncan asked her to marry him and she had to say no. She did love him as much as she could, but Ellie knew it would be wrong to go through with it, feeling the way she did. He was devastated, and moved out that very day. She knew she had broken his heart, and had decided to kill herself when Tilly arrived and stopped her._

_Tilly had never forgiven Tom for what had happened. Despite Ellie’s protests that she had no right to expect anything from him, her friend had known from Day One how Ellie had felt. She was convinced that Tom had known too, so she was furious about it. After the suicidal evening, Ellie had resolved to share less with Tilly because it was poisoning their relationship. Tom was her problem, and she simply had to learn to live with it. She kept thinking she’d get over him, but although she sometimes went for months without having the dream, she rarely went a day without thinking about him. Her career burgeoned, she was achieving everything she wanted, but she was still crying herself to sleep regularly. She declined all dates. Several times, Ellie thought she must be going mad. No one should still feel like this about a boy after so long, it was pathetic. They hadn’t even dated, for goodness’ sake!_

_And then Tom started to appear on TV again. She had avoided his early stuff, but she watched the first episode of Kenneth Branagh’s Wallander and was mortified to see his name on the titles. She was frozen in horror but didn’t switch it off, and there he was, looking as beautiful as ever. By judicious checking on the internet, she was able to avoid any more ambushes of that nature, but then Tom appeared as Loki in Thor. Suddenly he was a big star, and The Hollow Crown added to her woes. She adored Shakespeare, and couldn’t resist watching it. It was exquisite torture. The dreams returned with a vengeance and even her colleagues began to notice how her mood had changed. The Avengers followed and Tom was everywhere. Tilly was as angry as ever, and railed against the coverage he was getting. ‘He’s not a gentleman, he’s a shit!’ she would shout from time to time when they had a girly night, ignoring Ellie’s pleas for understanding. The period between last October and February had been particularly tough, with movies coming out and the play in London, he seemed to be unavoidable._

_Work had always been her comfort, her salvation, and it had never occurred to Ellie that her professional life would be what would bring her to this. Agreeing to help Rob with his screenplay had seemed like such a good idea six months ago. The day she had that excited text from him to say that Tom had been cast as the detective she had almost fainted at her desk. It was like some horrible nightmare. But contracts had been signed and UCL were on board, so there was no backing out. But after today she wasn’t sure if she could go through with it._

 

Ellie looked at the bottle. She had finished it during her trip down memory lane. She noticed her cheeks were wet. Well, Tom had always been able to make her cry. The worst thing, she realised, what had hurt the most about today was that he hadn’t acknowledged what had happened between them. She hadn’t really wanted him to have forgotten her at all, quite the reverse. They weren’t just friends at Uni. They had kissed each other; he had made a pass at her, and just a couple of days later she had walked in on him fucking someone else. Surely he could see that she deserved more than just a ‘Hi, how are you?’ He must have known she was upset at the time; she had walked out on the production. It dawned on Ellie that she was angry. She sat up. The call list for the next day did not include her, fortunately, as she was heading for one hell of a hangover. In fact she had two days to recover, because Saturday was the first day in the lab location. Unfortunately, Tom would be there as well.


	4. Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie discovers she has a new friend

Before light, Ellie awoke, painfully aware that last night’s wine had left its anticipated discomfort. Her mouth was dry, her head swam and she felt a little sick. But all that was forgotten when she suddenly remembered that she had never told Rob about her script concerns for Saturday’s filming.  She sat up and reached for her phone. She texted him, trying to word it carefully, to convey how important she thought it was. It seemed to work, because she got an immediate reply. They agreed that he should pop over to see her for a chat, so Ellie had an hour to get herself together.

Rob arrived right on time. She buzzed him in and opened the door to her flat for him. He was impressed by how close to her work the block was, just north of Euston Road. The flat was small, with only one bedroom and an open-plan living area, but she could see UCH from her window, he noted as he entered. The room was simply furnished, and all the family photographs he could see looked old. There were a few nice prints on the walls, and crowded bookshelves everywhere. There was a rickety tower of DVDs and CDs in one corner; the place was cluttered but tidy. Against one wall was a desk piled with books and files around a computer, and it looked as if most of the life of the room was centred there.

‘Coffee?’ Ellie was busying herself in the kitchen area. They settled onto the sofa and she opened her copy of the screenplay.

‘What was worrying me yesterday was the dialogue when Peterson is trying to explain to Richards why he thinks there is foul play. It reads a little vague, and that doesn’t ring true to me.’

‘How do you mean?’

‘The man is a rigorous scientist. He would be crystal-clear.’ She looked at Rob’s furrowed brow. ‘That’s what I think, anyway.’ Had she gone too far? She didn’t want to offend him.

Rob looked at the lines, rubbing his stubbly chin. ‘You might be right. And that is why you’re on board, after all. So, tell me what _would_ ring true.’

They discussed the wording and after an hour Rob had re-written the lines in question to both their satisfaction. He used her computer to email the changes to the cast and everyone else that needed them before leaning back in the office chair and stretching his arms over his head. ‘So, Ellie, you know Tom Hiddleston?’ He had caught her unawares and she jumped in her seat.

‘We met at Cambridge, but that was yonks ago.’

Rob smiled. ‘He seemed pleased to see you yesterday, anyway.’

Ellie stood up and walked towards the window so Rob wouldn’t see the tears which had started to build up at the mention of Tom’s name. She didn’t trust herself to speak, and this did not pass unnoticed. Rob wondered if he knew her well enough to ask what was wrong, then he decided he would anyway.

‘Bring back bad memories?’ he asked, and was alarmed to see her chest hitch.

She shook her head and mumbling ‘Sorry, I can’t,’ she ran into the bedroom and shut the door.

Rob stood in the middle of the living room, unsure what to do next. He had noticed her discomfort yesterday and had assumed it was just the Hiddleston effect. Reflecting now, he realised that she had avoided Tom, which wasn’t the normal pattern. What had happened that made her behave like this all these years later? He could hear her sobbing through the door and wished Phil was with him. His husband was so much better at this stuff. Resolving to do what he could, Rob went to put the kettle on.

A few minutes later, he tapped softly on the bedroom door. ‘Ellie? I’ve made tea.’ He heard movement, and the door opened. The tall blonde woman in the doorway did not resemble the super-intelligent scientist he had met before. She looked to him like a little girl, and a heartbroken one at that.  Although they did not know each other well, he stepped forward and gathered her into his arms. It pained him to see how sad she was, how vulnerable. She sobbed into his sweater, then seemed to recover again and straightened up.

‘I’m sorry; none of this is your problem. I shouldn’t do this to you.’

He led her over to the sofa where he had put the teas on a low table. ‘Nonsense! I’d like to think we’ve become pals. Here, have this, love,’ he said, handing her a mug. Ellie took it and sipped. ‘Now,’ he continued, ‘do you want to talk about it? Because you can if you want to…’ He stopped, because she was shaking her head.

‘No, I’d rather not. But thanks.’ She looked at Rob and he could see she was genuinely grateful. He put his arm around her shoulder and hugged her to him again. Ellie leaned her head against his and whispered ‘Thanks Rob.’

He stayed for another half an hour, then she shooed him out of the door, as she had some work emails to answer and he had other stuff to do as well. He made her promise to come to dinner with him and Phil the next night, so they could have some time together before Saturday. Ellie sat down at the desk and opened her inbox. There were a couple of pages of unopened messages, and she scrolled down them, making a mental list of priorities. Then she saw an address she didn’t recognise. When she read the subject, she guessed who it was from: ‘Meeting up again’. She stood up and walked around the room; she couldn’t decide whether to read Tom’s email or not. After a few minute’s wrestling with it, she decided she might as well. They were going to be seeing each other in two days anyway, she couldn’t avoid that. She noted he had sent it last evening.

‘Ellie

I’m sorry we didn’t get a chance for a proper chat today. It was wonderful to see you again. You are as beautiful as ever. I’m not filming until Saturday, so any chance we could have lunch tomorrow or Friday?

See you soon, I hope

Tom x’

_Well, short and to the point. He really didn’t have a clue. Why couldn’t he leave her alone?_

‘Tom

Sorry, only just looked at my emails. It’s a bit late for tod…’

_What are you doing? You nearly agreed to meet him for lunch! Are you crazy?_

She back-spaced and typed:

‘Sorry, only just looked at my emails. I’m afraid that I’m not free for lunch on either day.  I’ll see you on Saturday I expect.

Ellie’

She clicked ‘send’.   Formal, cold and filled with fury. Would he get that? Probably not, but she couldn’t sit across the table from him and chat. The only way she was going to survive this was if she saw as little of him as possible. She felt the anger rising again. How could he act as if she should be glad to see him? How could he be so insensitive?

‘God, Tom! Tilly was right, you are a shit!’

Ellie had a sudden urge to get outside. She grabbed her coat and bag and set off, hurrying down the stars rather than wait for the lift. She needed to move above all, and when she reached the street she headed for the crowds of Euston Road, then on southwards until she reached Bloomsbury. She was careful to avoid Gower Street. She didn’t want to bump into any students or colleagues, and she did not want to pass RADA either. She was walking as quickly as the crowded pavements would allow, and she had travelled a long way before she decided to turn back towards home. The cold air had cleared her head, and the exercise had relieved her stress. By the time she was back on Euston Road she was feeling so much better that she stopped at a food store and bought supplies for dinner. She included a bottle of wine to take with her to Rob and Phil’s the next night.

Back in her flat, she spotted her phone on the sofa. She picked it up and discovered several messages and missed calls, all from Tilly or Rob. She texted them both quickly, reassuring them she was OK, then looked at her computer. There was a reply from Tom.

‘Ellie

Sorry about that. Well, another time perhaps? I’d love to have a proper catch-up. See you Saturday.

Tx’

_Have a proper catch-up? Oh I don’t think you would._

Scrolling down to the bottom of her unread emails, Ellie made a start. She still had tomorrow, but she might as well get as much done as possible today. Working kept Tom at the back of her mind, at least for a while.


	5. Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dinner and a trouble shared.

_She was the hillside again. The wind was blasting, but she could see him more clearly than usual, and it was the Tom she met on Wednesday, not the old Cambridge version who was normally there. Ellie felt how she usually did, but with a tinge of anger, as if it had carried over from her waking life. Why didn’t he turn his head? He must know she is just here, screaming his name. As usual, her legs would not carry her an inch closer, but however hopeless, she could not stop trying._

Feeling rung out and aching all over, Ellie sat in her dressing-gown and worked until 2pm. After that she showered and dressed slowly, unsure what to choose. Phil was a BAFTA-winning costume designer, so it seemed important to look right. In the end she opted for what she would normally wear for a dinner with friends, her best jeans and a pretty jumper. She was expected in Fulham at 6, because she and Rob had a 7am call the next morning. She was needed to confirm the designers had made a convincing laboratory before filming started. They were using the chemistry lab of an empty college building, so they had a head start. With luck, once filming started she could keep in the background and not have to talk to Tom at all. At 5.15 she walked down to the Euston Road and hailed a cab to take her over to Rob and Phil’s house.

When she spoke to the driver his eyebrows rose, and yes, it was an expensive address. The guys must be doing well. She knew they were successful; she had googled Rob when he first contacted her and had been impressed by his list of film and TV credits. Phil was an even bigger name, probably because he was more flamboyant and had won more awards. They seemed an odd couple on paper: Rob was quietly-spoken, bearded, always slightly shabby; Phil on the other hand was exactly how you’d expect a gay costume designer to be. The cab drew up outside a tiny terraced house on a narrow, almost village-like street. It didn’t seem like London at all, as long as you ignored the ostentatiously expensive cars lining the road, that is. The door was flung open and Phil covered the handkerchief-sized front garden in two strides, gathering Ellie into a crushing hug in the gateway. It would not have been obvious to an onlooker that they had never met before.

‘Helloooo Ellie darling!’ he shouted in her ear. ‘Come in out of the cold. Rob is the chef tonight, lucky you!’

He led her into a small but intimidatingly stylish sitting room that would not have looked out of place in a Sunday supplement. The chairs were designer, didn’t appear very comfortable, and more or less everything was white. Ellie immediately checked her boots for mud, and then slipped them off before she could ruin the carpet.

‘Oh, don’t worry about that, I’m always making a mess.’ Rob was standing in the kitchen doorway, drying his hands on a tea-towel. ‘How are you today, sweetie?’ He walked over and hugged her warmly, kissing her cheek.

‘I’m fine. Here.’ She handed him the wine.

‘Thanks darling. Dinner is almost ready. Nothing fancy, I’m afraid, just Italian.’

It smelt enticing, and it was. A starter of tasty antipasti, followed by what Rob called ‘Nigella’s whore’s pasta’. He was an excellent cook and Ellie was enjoying herself enormously. Phil had a seemingly endless store of anecdotes about every famous actor you could think of, all of whom he seemed to adore. Occasionally he and Rob would exchange looks and he would change the subject. Obviously he had been about to say something Rob didn’t want him to. Later, when Ellie was washing up and Phil pottering around the kitchen, he cleared his throat.

‘Now, Ellie darling, what’s all this about you and Hiddles?’

‘Oh, you really don’t want to know, Phil. It’s all ancient history.’

‘Not to you, from what Rob tells me.’

Ellie felt a stab of anger, then she realised that anyone would share what had happened the day before with their partner. However, she wasn’t sure she was ready for this conversation.

‘Let’s just say he hurt me a long time ago and I’d rather forget it.’

Phil was standing beside her, and, putting his hand against her cheek, he turned her face to look at his. ‘But you can’t, can you? Forget it, I mean.’ Ellie felt those tears rising up again. She shook her head and he hugged her to his chest. He was a good foot taller than her, and she found herself crying into his beautiful designer shirt. She pulled away.

‘I’m sorry, I seem to be doing this all the time lately. Look, I know you mean well, but I’ll be fine, really.’

‘Oh Ellie, it strikes me you’ve been trying that approach for years and it’s not working, is it?’ Rob had joined them in the tiny kitchen. Ellie wondered how she had gone all this time without confiding in anyone except Tilly, and suddenly here she was discussing it with two people, both of whom knew the other party. Perhaps this was an opportunity for a fresh start.

‘OK, if you really want to know, I’ll tell you. But it’s not exciting or in any way original.’

So it was that Ellie shared her burden with her new friends. She told them the whole sad story, missing nothing out. Several times they had hugged her while she wiped her eyes, unable to continue for a few minutes. The two men sat either side of her on their expensive leather sofa, occasionally exchanging glances over her head, nodding when she looked at them, mainly just listening intently. They did not interrupt, just topped up her glass from time to time. When she had finished, Ellie felt better than she had since she saw the text announcing Tom’s casting. If nothing else, someone else there would understand how she was feeling. She leaned back against the cushions and sighed deeply.

‘Well Ellie,’ said Phil, ‘it seems to me that you need to have it out with him. You can’t continue like this.’ Before she could answer, Rob chipped in. ‘I’m not sure he understands how much he hurt you. And he has no way of knowing that you still feel like this after all this time. Maybe you should tell him.’

Ellie shot to her feet. ‘No! No way! Apart from anything else, how pathetic would I look? Still carrying a torch like a love-sick teenager, or worse still, like one of his crazy fans?’ The whole idea filled her with horror. ‘I could talk to him for you, if you like.’ Rob’s eyebrows were raised. He smiled uncertainly when she looked at him.

She considered it for a few moments. Would it help? Could it help? She wasn’t sure.

‘Look, I think I need to sleep on it. Please don’t say anything to anyone about this, especially not Tom. I need to think it through.’

The two men agreed to her request and a little later Rob walked her up to the Fulham Road and hailed her a cab. As she got in he kissed her and whispered ‘We will do whatever we can to help. We just want you to be happy, darling.’ Ellie kissed him back, and as she settled into the seat she reflected on how lucky she had been to find two such lovely new friends. If nothing else, they seemed less eager to rush to judgement than Tilly. Perhaps things could get better. Maybe she could finally get on with her life instead of being stuck, emotionally at least, in the year 2000. Ellie wasn’t entirely sure how they could help, but for once, uncertainty didn’t worry her. Anything had to be better than the life she had been living.


	6. Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie goes to her first location filming and gets a shock, but it is not as big as the one Tom gets.

_The wind was still buffeting her as hard as ever, but the hillside seemed less steep this time. She could see him, his head still turned away, but she was further away again. She tried harder than ever to move her legs, but the heaviness was more pronounced than before. She tried to shout, but no sound came out. The feeling of hopelessness was back, mixed now with dread. She was sure suddenly that if he did turn his head and see her, it would be worse. All the striving would have been for nothing._

Ellie awoke, curled in a ball, crying into the pillow. However bad the dream had been before, this was the worst she had ever felt after it. She realised that she could not allow Rob to intervene, nor could she herself tell Tom how she felt. However bad things had been, rejection, or worse still, his contempt would be unbearable, and that was the most likely outcome of any confession. She looked at her alarm. It was 4am. Oh great, she’d had about two hours of sleep, if that. She might as well get up, she would have to in an hour anyway. A hot shower made her feel better, and after she dressed and made coffee she switched on her computer. There was another email from Tom.

‘Hi Ellie

Really looking forward to tomorrow. Can’t wait to see you in action!

à demain

Tx’

Was he doing it on purpose? He seemed to be mocking her.

The car collected her at a few minutes before 6. The location was in Uxbridge, and even on a Saturday, the traffic was heavy on the A40 at that time. Fortunately, most of it was heading into London, in the opposite direction to Ellie. With all the emotional turmoil of the past few days, she had almost forgotten her nerves about being on a film set for the first time. She was praying that the lab wasn’t too inaccurate; she didn’t fancy having to tell anyone they had done a bad job first thing in the morning. Still, lab work was something she loved, and she would be in her comfort zone, at least until the actors arrived.

The plot of the movie revolved around her speciality, which was why she was needed. A retired microbiologist decides to take revenge on the pharmaceutical companies which refuse to research treatments into a rare illness the man’s daughter suffers from. When she dies, he begins a series of murders, using his expertise. Unfortunately for him, in an ironic twist, his former colleagues are the ones who recognise that these deaths must be connected and that they can’t be naturally-occurring. When Rob was developing the script, he consulted Ellie regularly for advice on how the murders might be carried out, and how someone might spot them. She had enjoyed that process enormously, as she had always loved ‘whodunits’. It had seemed like fun then, and she hoped she might be able to feel that way about it again.

When her car pulled into the car park outside the disused college, Ellie was a little disappointed. It wasn’t quite as glamorous as she had expected. This was not a big-budget production, and there were no massive trailers for the stars. There were two small caravans, one for make-up and hair and the other for wardrobe. The same caterers as before were parked outside, providing bacon rolls and other breakfast options to the crew when Ellie got out of the car. Rob trotted over and hugged her. ‘Get what you want to eat, then come on up,’ he said, heading indoors. She grabbed a croissant and a coffee and did so.

As it happened, the set dressers had done their homework, and the notes she had sent had been taken on board. Everything was more or less perfect, so her main job today was going to be coaching the cast on bench technique. She was glad she had listened to Rob’s suggestion she bring something to do. She had a novel she’d been meaning to start in her bag, as well as her headphones so she could catch up on podcasts. A room in the building had been set aside for the actors to use as a dressing room, and another just across the corridor from the lab had been furnished with coffee, pastries and bottled water. Ellie settled herself into a chair in the latter.

The actors began to appear at about 8.30. They must have been there for a while, out of sight in the caravans because they were in costume and made up ready for filming. Paul the director was running around, barking orders at crew members and conferring with Denis and Emma, whose scene was the first one on the schedule.

It was fascinating to watch the filming process; Paul had asked her to let him know if she saw anything she wasn’t happy with, but between takes so as not to disturb the actors too much. She sat quietly behind the cameras, watching a monitor closely. So far, so good; everything had been prepared well, and everyone seemed to know what they were doing.  Short rehearsals were soon followed by proper takes, and Paul did not seem to be the kind to waste much time. They were getting through the scenes fairly quickly, as far as she could tell. Ellie was pleased to see that Tom wasn’t needed until after lunch. Her relief was short-lived, however, when she spotted him outside when she looked out of a window after she had spent a few minutes showing Emma how to operate the microscope.  He was chatting to some crew members and looking around. She checked her watch, it was already 12.30.

_He’s probably come for lunch._

By being careful, Ellie was able to avoid being near Tom for the whole of the break and most of the afternoon. She wasn’t needed for his scenes in the lab, as they were just interactions between the police and the scientists. She sat in the coffee room, reading her book and all was well until about 5 o’clock, when she looked up as someone came in. It was Tom.

‘So this is where you’ve been hiding,’ he said.

‘Just keeping out of the way until I’m needed,’ she said, trying to think of an excuse to leave.

He picked up a bottle of water and flopped down into the chair next to hers.

‘How are you finding it? A bit boring, I should think.’

‘It’s OK. Rob warned me.’ She tapped the book in her lap.

‘Good thinking.’ He took a deep breath. ‘So, Ellie, I’ve been wanting to ask you, what happened to you in Cambridge, after the play opened I mean? You disappeared overnight.’ Ellie was stunned. What a nerve! ‘I tried to find out where you’d gone, but…’

‘I don’t fucking BELIEVE YOU!’ she shouted and grabbing her bag she left the room at a run. If she had looked round, she would have seen Tom sitting there, his face a picture of confusion, his mouth hanging open.

Running down the corridor, she headed for the stairs. She knew she shouldn’t leave without checking, but this was intolerable. She left the building and headed for the entrance. Still running, she tapped out a text to Rob, letting him know she was going home. After a few minutes she had found a minicab office on the High Street and was on her way back to London.

Once he had recovered from the shock of her reaction, Tom headed off to find Rob; he had noticed how friendly he was with Ellie, so maybe he could explain what had just happened. Rob was reading Ellie’s text when he saw Tom approaching him. ‘She’s OK,’ he said, ‘she’s gone home.’

‘What is going on?’ Tom asked. ‘I don’t understand.’

‘I think Ellie should tell you, it’s not really my place.’ ‘

‘You know, though, Rob, don’t you?’ The other man shrugged his shoulders noncommittally.

He was saved from further interrogation by the next set-up being called, for which Tom was needed. Rob texted Ellie back:

**_He’s really confused. SPEAK TO HIM._ **

**_I can’t._ **

Tom tried to corner Rob a couple more times before they stopped for the day, but Rob refused politely to answer his questions. He also said no when he asked for Ellie’s number. ‘She’s stopped answering my emails,’ Tom said, looking dejected. ‘Last week I was really looking forward to seeing her again. Now I have no idea what’s happening. ’ Rob began to feel sorry for him. It was clear he really didn’t understand.

Ellie got home faster than she expected. It had started to rain by the time she was paying the cab driver, so she hurried in and closed her door behind her as fast as she could. She wanted to shut everything out, but her stomach was churning and her head reeling from the exchange with Tom. She had gone over it again and again during the journey home. He did seem genuine when he asked her what had happened, and Rob’s text seemed to confirm it. Had he actually forgotten?

_Perhaps he’s shagged so many women over the years that occasion has faded from his memory. Or maybe he just shagged so many at Cambridge…_

 Ellie laughed bitterly as she walked into her bedroom and began to change. She put her pyjamas on, then went to the fridge and picked up a bottle of white wine, taking a glass from the draining board.  This whole thing was a disaster, a living nightmare. However bad she had thought it would be to see Tom again, the one possibility that had never occurred to her was that he would pretend nothing had happened. It seemed incredible to her. But the anger that she was feeling was already abating, mainly because a deep weariness was overwhelming her. Lack of sleep, nervous tension, whatever the cause, she barely made it to the sofa before her eyes were closing. She dropped her burden on the rug and fell asleep almost immediately. Ellie woke up near to midnight with a sore neck and a numb leg. She dragged herself into her bedroom and into the bed. She soon dropped off again; such was the depth of her exhaustion. There were no dreams.

 

 


	7. Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rob grasps the nettle.

Rob had not slept very well at all. He tossed and turned all night, eventually getting up and sitting at the table with a cup of tea. He wasn’t good at this relationship stuff, that was Phil’s area of expertise. He could write about imaginary ones, but he had never been keen on getting mixed up in the real ones of friends and family. But he was involved now, and the writer in him wanted to find an end to this sad tale, preferably a happy one, for Ellie at least. He had only known her a few months, and really well, only for a few days really. Was it appropriate for him to interfere? He heard his husband stirring upstairs, and moments later Phil came into the room.

‘It’s a tricky one, isn’t it?’ he said, putting the kettle on again.

Rob sighed, stretching his back. ‘I just don’t know what to do for the best, Phil. I don’t think Tom has any idea what Ellie is so angry and upset about. She’s never heard his side of the story, and on the other hand, he doesn’t have a clue that she has been nursing a broken heart ever since.’

‘But you’re not sure you know them well enough to stick your oar in?’

Rob shook his head. ‘I could end up making things worse.’

‘Oh darling,’ said Phil, standing behind him and wrapping his arms around his partner, ‘I don’t think they could be any worse, do you? They aren’t communicating at all at the moment. That needs to change. My advice is, if Tom asks you again, tell him.’

Rob was still mulling the problem over when he saw Ellie coming towards him at the location later that morning. They were only filming until lunchtime, as it was Sunday. Rob had decided to invite Ellie over for dinner later, and was about to say so when Ellie threw herself into his arms. For a few minutes he simply held her, not sure what to say, then she seemed to gather herself together and straighten up.

‘Thanks Rob, for being a friend.’

‘Well, let this friend feed you again tonight. 7 o’clock?’

‘That would be lovely.’

The morning passed quickly for everyone. Tom did not try to talk to either of them, but Rob did spot him frowning as he looked across the set at Ellie a few times. Paul sent everyone home by 1.30. They had two more days at this location, and they were ahead of schedule so far. Rob hugged Ellie goodbye, and as he did so, he caught sight of Tom looking at them from across the car park. He looked serious. Rob raised his eyebrows, made a ‘stay there’ gesture behind Ellie’s back and Tom seemed to acknowledge him. He just hoped Tom had got the message. He had, because he waited while Rob watched Ellie’s car leave and then he trotted over to where Tom was sheltering from the drizzle.  Rob took a deep breath; he was about to do something pretty momentous. He hoped Phil’s instincts were right, as they usually were when it came to matters of the heart.

‘Tom, if you want to get to the bottom of this, come over at about 6 to ours. But don’t be late!’

He saw what looked like hope flash in Tom’s eyes, although his face remained serious.

‘OK, what’s your address?’

 

Ellie was looking through her wardrobe, trying to find something to wear for dinner. She felt like dressing up a bit, but most of what she owned was scruffy slobbing-around gear or smart work clothes, with a couple of cocktail dresses for charity functions and formal Uni dinners. She never really went out, so she didn’t have anything for going out in, as it were. Then she remembered that pretty blouse that Tilly had given her as it was just a little too big across the boobs. Ellie had a touch more than her friend in that department. That would do splendidly.

She caught the Tube to Fulham this time, as she welcomed the distraction. It was fun to try and work out who people were, what they were doing, why they were travelling and where to. As she normally just walked to and from work, using public transport made a change for her.  Getting on the Circle Line at Euston Square, she only had to change once to reach her destination. The autumnal drizzle was still falling when she left Parsons Green station, but it wasn’t a long walk to Rob and Phil’s house.

Phil opened the door almost immediately, and as she stepped into the room, Ellie was horrified to see Tom sitting on the sofa next to Rob, his head in his hands. He looked up at her and she could see he was crying.

‘What is he doing here?’ she almost screamed. She turned, heading back for the door. Phil caught her arm. He was surprisingly strong for someone so skinny.

‘Hang on a sec; give us a chance to explain.  And let’s face it, you two need to have a proper conversation.’

Reluctantly, Ellie allowed him to take her coat and, glaring at Rob, she sat down as far from Tom as she could. His eyes never left her, and she saw him wipe tears off his cheeks with the back of his hand, more than once. She wasn’t impressed.

_Actors. They can turn that on easily enough._

After asking Ellie or Tom not to say anything for the moment, Rob explained to her why he had asked Tom to come over. She started to feel less angry as Rob spoke. She could see that he meant well, but her fury at Tom’s indifference to her pain was welling up again. How could he sit there looking so hurt when she was the injured party in all this? Before she could finish formulating a response to Rob, Tom began to speak.

‘The thing is, Ellie, I had no idea you had seen us that night. Fiona sort of, well…’ he trailed off uncomfortably, ‘…she more or less ambushed me. I shouldn’t have done it, but I was 19, and an idiot. When you’re that age your cock does most of your thinking. I didn’t even like her. ’

Ellie’s head was spinning. He didn’t know? All this time she had thought he wasn’t bothered, and actually he hadn’t known?

‘God, if I had seen you I don’t know what I would have done. I really liked you, Ellie. I thought we had a connection. When you disappeared I tried to find you, but none of the others knew how to get hold of you. Nobody in the club knew you outside of it. I hung around your college, I even stopped your friend Tilly one day and asked her to give you a message, but she refused. I should have guessed something was wrong, but I simply had no idea.’

‘You spoke to Tilly? She never told me that!’ Ellie was furious again, but this time with her oldest friend. ‘I assumed you weren’t looking for me, as I never heard from you. Not that I wanted to. It was too horrible. I felt like a fool.’

She looked at Tom and she felt her heart leap. Was that hope? He was looking at her with an expression she couldn’t divine. He seemed to be searching for something to say when Phil suddenly said ‘Rob and I are off down the pub for a bit. You two need to be alone.’ They grabbed coats and were gone.

As the door closed, Tom got up from the sofa and walked over to where she was sitting. He bent his long legs and squatted in front of her. She allowed him to take her hands in his. From close range, the pain in his eyes was evident, and she chided herself for thinking earlier that it was faked.

‘Rob has told me what you’ve been through. I’m so terribly sorry, I can’t tell you. I never forgot you, you know. I’ve thought about you often, through the years.’

‘I’m sure you think I’m pathetic, still clinging on to a teenage crush. Like one of your crazed fans.’ She pouted, and then it was her turn to wipe tears away.

‘Not at all. If I’d only known, oh Ellie, all this time we have wasted!’ He leaned forward and she allowed him to kiss her chastely on the lips, caressing her cheek with his hand.

She pushed him away gently. He was feeling sorry for her, and his pity was not what she needed. ‘But it _is_ pathetic.’ She spat out the word. ‘Over thirty, and unable to move on from 18. You have your life now, and I should have one of my own. Outside of work, that is.’

‘You should, and I’d like to be part of it, if you’ll let me.’ He was looking into her eyes, and that old sensation was back, the one where the ground has fallen away. Could it be true? Could there be another chance for them? Did he really want to try? Did she? She felt so confused she was unable to think. All the pain of the past fourteen years was swirling around in her head, all the tears, all those vile dreams, it was as if she were drowning. He had thrown her a lifebelt, but was it real? After all this time, she had to be careful not to do something rash. Her mind reached for another metaphor: the wall she had built around herself had a gate, and it seemed after all that he had the key, but… She wasn’t sure she could survive another disappointment, another betrayal. Was he genuine?

_I can’t decide now. I need time._

‘This is all a bit sudden. I need some time to process all this.’

‘I understand, of course. Can I take you home?’

She agreed, and after texting Rob to let him know, she allowed Tom to accompany her home in a cab. They exchanged phone numbers on the way and when they reached her flat he walked her up to her door. Ellie allowed him to kiss her again, and this time it was less chaste. He pulled her against him and she felt the way she had in the wings that night. She still loved him so much, and it turned out he was worthy of her love. He wasn’t the monster she had imagined, just a fallible human being. He was the same lovely, beautiful man she had fallen for that chilly February evening. She ran her fingers through his hair, and she almost asked him to come in. But then she thought better of it. If this was really going to work they could wait, and if it wasn’t, she didn’t want it to be a one-night-stand. Breaking the kiss, she said ‘I’ll see you in the morning, Inspector Richards,’ and slipped into her flat.


	8. Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie tries the scientific method on herself

The first thing Ellie did after she shut the door was telephone Tilly.

‘You’ve got some explaining to do.’

‘Sorry?’

‘How come you’ve never mentioned that Tom asked you to give me a message?’

‘Ah. He told you.’

‘Yes. Why have _you_ never told me, Tilly?’ She was just about holding her temper at bay. There was a pause. Ellie imagined Tilly trying to come up with an answer.

‘It seemed like the right thing to do at the time. You were so upset.’

‘But later? Why not tell me later, Til?’ Ellie was shouting now. Tilly was scared. She had never known her friend to get really angry. ‘All these years I thought he didn’t care at all!’

‘I’m sorry, El, I was just trying to protect you,’ Tilly started.

‘From what? Happiness?’

Ellie hung up the phone. She wasn’t sure where this left their relationship, and that was something else to add to the churning mass her mind had become. She had to get a grip on herself or she would never be able to think again. Not for the first time recently, she composed herself and switched into ‘professional mode’. It occurred to her that she had gone to Rob’s for dinner but was back home without having eaten. She walked to the fridge and perused its meagre contents. It would have to be beans on toast or a takeaway, by the look of things, but she had decided she must have food. This evening she was going to analyse her situation scientifically and make rational decisions. The one thing she knew for sure she was good at was the examination of evidence and the extrapolation of data. No more being tossed and blown on the rough sea of her emotions. She would look carefully at every possible way forward and come to a sensible decision about how to proceed.

An hour later Ellie was eating and making a list of her options. She had found an A4 pad and was sitting on the sofa, the pizza box on the table at her side, a pen in her right hand and a glass of wine in her left. Her phone buzzed for the seventh or eighth time since Tom had left. All of the texts had been from him. She had stopped answering them after she told him what she was doing and that she needed peace to do it, but he kept it up.

**_I just want you to be certain that I want to be with you. That’s a factor, right? Xx_ **

She smiled to herself. How strange it was. Earlier that day the very mention of his name filled her with a toxic mixture of anger and longing, now it was starting to make her feel warm. Very warm in fact, and she shook her head to clear it.

_None of that, this must be undertaken rationally._

She wrote ‘Pros and cons of a relationship with Tom’ at the top of the page, then ‘Pros’ and ‘Cons’, each at the top of two columns. She wrote several things under ‘Pros’ immediately, the first being ‘Tom’. She then tried to think of something for the other side, but had a hard time to begin with. She wrote ‘fangirls/twitter/tumblr etc’, then thought again. She began to wonder why she had asked for time to think, and then she remembered that her main fear had been of losing him again. Why had that stopped being a factor all of a sudden? She tried to go over her thoughts from the moment he had said to her, back in Fulham,  that he thought they had had a connection in Cambridge. Subconsciously, she had been processing that since, and now she understood.

The fundamental thing which had fuelled her misery all this time, the belief that had given her the bad dreams, stopped her from moving on or having a relationship with anyone was this: **_I love him with all my soul, but he doesn’t care about me at all, and never did._**

And now, because she knew that wasn’t true, everything had changed. Ellie set the pad and pen down and stood up. She walked to the window and looked out on the lights of London with fresh eyes. She heard her phone buzz again behind her and smiled. Despite all her years of using the scientific method, she had never before been able to see her own feelings so clearly. Her heart swelled, and she felt like dancing. For the first time since that terrible night, the night that had changed her life, she felt happy. She looked at the wine in her glass.

_Should be champagne!_

Although she felt giddy with excitement, she was still trying to be rational. It might not work out with Tom. You can never tell with these things. Their lives were so different, he might find her a bit boring after a while, and he’d be away a lot: his job was like that. But she had the strength to try, and she owed herself that much. She wanted to open the window and shout it across the rooftops, but it was raining, so she thought better of it. Instead, she opted to text him.

**_Ive come to a decision. Can you come over?_ **

**_Im in a pub in Drummond St. Ill be 3 mins._ **

_So I could have shouted it and he’d have heard! Cocky bastard!_

She buzzed in him a few minutes later and when she opened the door it was obvious he had run all the way and up four flights of stairs. His shoulders were heaving like a marathon runner’s. His hair and jacket were wet from the rain, and his face was so anxious that she couldn’t bear to tease him. She kissed him immediately and felt him smile against her lips.

‘So you’ll have me?’

‘If you’ll have me,’ she said, looking into the blue eyes that she had never forgotten.

He swept her up into his arms and flopped onto the sofa with her on his lap. He was getting his breath back, and this time the kiss was deeper, more passionate. She put her arms around his neck and pulled back to look at his lovely face. She kissed his forehead, his cheekbones, the corners of his eyes, which she noticed were full of tears again. When she returned to his lips she felt him moan with pleasure. Suddenly he sat upright and the kiss broke.

‘Is that pizza? I’m starving!’

She saw in his face at that moment the funny, lovely boy she had met that first evening in Hills Road, the one she had fallen in love with. She knew then that whatever happened, it would be ok.

‘Ten quid a slice, rich boy,’ she said, daring him to argue.

‘No cash on me. Can I pay in kind?’ He winked and reached for her.

She leaned forward and murmured in his ear ‘Only fourteen years’ worth to catch up on. Help yourself.’


End file.
